I feel as though I’ve been duped. I feel like a complete idiot or moron or whatever word will interchange with those. I feel like I’ve been lied to. Over and over and over again. I cannot believe I feel this way for all that bullshit. He’d say he wanted to tell me he loved me but didn’t know if he should. He’d say he wanted to take a road trip together, just the two of us. He’d say I was the best thing going for him. Then a few days later, this? How am I supposed to understand that, nevermind accept that? How am I just supposed to sit back and say okay like it’s no big deal? Does he really expect me to just say okie dokie and forget everything? Forget my heart, and my thoughts and his words? His arms and his kiss? What did I do? I want solid, concrete answers. I don’t want to forget the last five months ever happened. I don’t want to ignore the feeling in my gut. The shit that I just experienced is complete and utter bullshit and frankly, I deserve better. But hey, I can’t make him treat me better, can I? I can only move on and find someone else who will. Someone who actually wants to. Someone who wants me as more than a friend or fuck buddy. I can find someone who wants to be with me because they think I’m awesome. I should have gone running in the opposite direction a long time ago. Instead I dismissed things. I said, ya know what? I’m sure he’ll come around. He’ll see how much I care when no one else really does and he’ll recognize that. The problem was that I just let myself care about him too much. I opened myself up too much when I shouldn’t have because I wanted to show him that he could trust me as much as I trusted him. I should have known that he’d turn around and hurt me. I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. Shame on me. It’s my fault that I’m hurting the way I am now. I have no one to blame but myself. Had I not opened myself to him, had I not believed him, then I wouldn’t be where I am now. Shit would go wrong and I’d say, ya know he’s still a good guy. He has a good heart. He means well, he just has bad luck. That’s all a crock of shit. He gets what he wants, but when things get to be more than he bargained for, he bails. He takes off running. He wasn’t even really willing to hear me. Sure we talked, but he didn’t hear me. He had decided before I ever showed up. He took the time to take my pillow out of the case, pack it back into the plastic case it came in when I bought it and leave it by his door, so that when I came over it’d be ready and waiting for me. He had made his decision. Didn’t want to hurt me? That’s bull. Didn’t feel like had anything to offer me? That’s also a load of crap. He gave me happiness. He made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a really long time. I tried so hard to doll myself up for him. Put on clothes I thought he’d like, do my nails, my hair, my make up. For what? Just to go lay in bed next to him and feel his heart beat against my cheek, or to rest his head upon my chest and run my fingers through his hair and down his body. He told me the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, but if that’s the case then why do I feel the way I do now? I’m hurting. Is he going to come save the day? Of course not. The last thing he wants is to inconvenience himself. Even if that means giving up the one person in his life that’s more concerned about his happiness than their own. What kind of bullshit is that? I hope he misses me. Maybe it won’t happen tomorrow or the day after, but ultimately, I hope he realizes what he’s lost. Then maybe he’ll begin to understand how I feel right this moment.
Fuck you.
